Understanding Your Neurodivergent Child
By Kristen "Kitty" Hovatter LGMFT
What is neurodivergence? It’s a newer term that we use to describe people with Autism/ADHD/AuDHD. But what is it? I’m glad you asked. From the book Wired Differently by Joe Wells, Neurodivergence is defined as follows:
Neurodiversity: this refers to the fact that human brains are different
Neurodiverse: this describes a group of people who have different brains
Neurodivergent: this refers to people whose brains are different from the majority of other people’s brains - to include people with dyslexia, dyspraxia, Autism, ADHD, ADD, or other conditions
Neurotypical: this refers to those people who have brains that perform “normally” - really, people who can process information and behave in the socially acceptable way.
I hope those definitions help you! Now, how to apply this knowledge to your child - well, first off, a diagnosis of a neurodivergent condition does not mean you have a child with something “wrong” with them. What it does mean is, you have to learn how your child understands the world around them, and then help them to navigate the world around them in ways that their brains can process and understand. And that’s the hardest part of all of this, really. Understanding what our children understand, and translating that with them into something they can work with.
Most children are diagnosed with Autism or ADHD in elementary school - this is the age when we start to see changes in behavior and interactions with peers and begin to recognize neurodivergent traits. “Susie can’t sit still”, “Bobby refused to do the work assigned by the teacher, instead he sat and drew pictures”, “Tommy won’t stop moving and making funny noises, it distracts the other kids”, and on and on. Our neurodivergent children struggle with things like:
Time blindness: there are two times for neurodivergent kids. There is “now”, and there is “not now”. Anything that is not happening “now” becomes irrelevant.
Object permanence: not being able to recognize that you can see what you are looking for, because things are always in the same place. The brain doesn’t tell you the clock is on the wall, because it is always on the wall, so that must mean it’s location is not important!
Resistant Food and Intake Avoidance (ARFID): a newer understanding of how neurodivergent children interact with foods. Picky eaters to the nth degree! They will only eat what they like, and avoid trying new foods - why? Because they might not like it. It’s new, it is unknown, and that can cause stress. Even if they like the taste of a new food, they may still refuse to eat it because it is not what they like most.
Rejection Sensitivity: the intense emotional pain that comes from perceived or real rejection, criticism, or failure. Ever see a kid melt down when they lose a game of uno? The loss of the game tells the neurodivergent kid that they themselves are the failure.
Black and White thinking: Things must be either this or that. Nuance is lost to the neurodivergent child without a lot of help understanding the proverbial middle ground. If it is not good, it MUST be bad! There’s no “okay”.
Difficulty answering open ended questions: Kids who are neurodivergent can have a very hard time answering questions like “what did you do in school today?” That question has too many possibilities for an answer, and they don’t know what answer you want. So they will ignore you, or say “I don’t know”.
Stimming: Movement and sounds that are repetitive and can seem very out of place. Constant rocking back and forth, spinning, flapping hands, fiddling with fingers, sounding like a sound effects machine. All these tics help the neurodivergent child feel soothed.
Constant Chatter: some neurodivergent children lack an inner monologue. They say every single thought that pops into their heads, (we call these popcorn thoughts), because if the thought is not voiced aloud, it isn’t a “real thought”.
Lack of structure: neurodivergent kids cannot create a new schedule or habit out of simple repetition alone. They have to be reminded nearly every day to do simple things like brush their teeth, comb their hair, and get up for school on time (because time, again, is not “real”). They need to have the same schedule, every day, and if that schedule is off, watch out! Now, the level of this varies by each individual, of course. Some changes are easier than others. Some habits come naturally, others never form.
And many, many more. Understanding what is happening with your child is the first step to learning how to talk to them.
Therapy with your neurodivergent child can help you learn the coping skills your child needs to navigate school, what resources they need on their IEP or 504 plan, and how to help them work with the skills they have instead of against them in school or at work. Once we understand how our child sees the world around them and how they process information, we can better help them to navigate the world. It is stressful, and hard work. It takes time, patience, understanding, and sometimes a little help from a therapist to get to the bottom of your child’s specific neurodivergent traits.
Kitty is now accepting new clients for virtual sessions. Reach out today to get the support you and your family deserve.