Cults, or high control groups, are no mystery to us. Even if we haven’t heard of a certain cult, knowledge of them has entered the zeitgeist through expressions like”drinking the kool-aid” a reference to the mass suicide at Jonestown, Guyana of the People’s Temple in the late 1970s. Cults and high control groups capture the imagination as we struggle to understand how they form and why people would ever join one.
Generally, cults and high control groups use the same playbook to attract and keep members:
Love-bombing at the outset
Use of specialized language - terms or words that only the cultic group knows, making members feel special
Ostracizing outsiders, shunning members who leave the group
Similar clothing/uniforms - military-esque uniforms, everyone wearing all white or all orange, the androgyny found in members of the Heaven’s Gate cult, for example
Excessive demands on your time and money - found particularly in the People’s Temple and The Family International - the leader has all the luxury and money, the members work 12 - 20 hour days to provide more money for the group
Black and White thinking - the “us vs. them” mentality that reinforces anyone outside the group is bad, unenlightened, heathen, savage, etc.
Charismatic leaders with little to no accountability - Jim Jones, L. Ron Hubbard, David Koresh, etc.
Isolation from non-members - being cut off from friends and family who are non-members
Thought control - thought terminating cliches made to make you stop questioning the tenets of the group
Identity shedding - leaving behind who you were to become a new member of the group.
We have all heard of a group with tactics like the above. And yet, sometimes, the high control group is your family. Ever heard the phrase “blood is thicker than water”? A thought-terminating cliche if ever there was one. The phrase is used to teach and reinforce the idea that no matter what, our loyalty belongs with our families. Even when those families are the ones who are hurting us through their high control and expectations.
Sometimes, the high control group is your family. They demand your loyalty, they engage in demeaning talk or behaviors towards you. They threaten to cut you off if you don’t fit in with their rules and expectations. If you leave the family, you can become branded as the “bad seed”, the “black sheep”, the “ingrate”. But your family fed you, clothed you, kept a roof over your head. But you are too sensitive! Why can’t you just “take a joke”. “But they’re your parents”, as if that fact takes away the sting of anything bad done to you or said to you.
Leaving a high control group is difficult, but it is never impossible. Below are a few starting tips for leaving a high control group - even if that group is family.
Start by identifying your supporters outside of the group. The friends and loved ones you chose, who are by your side and give you a sense of community.
Next, with the help of a counselor or therapist, identify for yourself your strengths and identity outside of the group. Who are you outside of the family? Ask your community members for support in maintaining boundaries.
Be patient and gentle with yourself - leaving a high control group takes an emotional toll. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of relationships, sense of identity, and potential feelings of worthlessness.
Podcasts like IndoctriNation - Podcast - Apple Podcasts by Rachel Bernstein, LMFT, can help, too. She also has a journal out, called Restart and Restore, (Amazon.com: Restart and Restore: A Journal for Survivors of Manipulation: 9798999884510: Bernstein, Rachel: Books) that can help you to find yourself outside of the group - even if that group happens to be your family.
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