What Does Forgiveness Actually Mean?
“Forgive and Forget”. “Forgive but don’t forget”. “You have to forgive me, I’m/they’re your family”. “To err is human, to forgive, divine”. “It’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission”.
So many phrases and beliefs about forgiveness. But what is it, and why do we “have” to give it or receive it? The Webster dictionary defines forgiveness as “the act of forgiving or receiving forgiveness”. “Forgive” is defined as a verb, the act of ceasing being resentful or angry towards another person for some offence, flaw or mistake. Letting go of anger or hurt so we can feel better-not forgetting or excusing what happened. Why is this so important in our society? How do we handle it?
Family Cut-Offs and the Role of Forgiveness
We all handle it subjectively, case by case, based on our values and beliefs. But finding the space to forgive someone and still holding appropriate boundaries is where things can get a bit tricky. This is where therapy can be helpful to sort out your feelings about forgiveness,whether or not it’s something you need to have or give, and how to maintain healthy boundaries when giving or receiving forgiveness.
A frequent scenario that brings up forgiveness in therapy settings is in cases of family cut off.Families have a cut off, usually between a child and parent, and there is a large hope on behalf of the family to get forgiveness, to keep the family together. An adult child cutting off a parent seems to be all over the social media algorithm lately - all about why a cut off happens, how the cut off affects both sides of the family, etc. In cases like this, deep and sincere apologies are needed before forgiveness can be received - and strong, healthy boundaries have to be maintained while relationships are rebuilt. And sometimes, no matter how sincere the apology, that relationship may never be rebuilt - in which case, therapy helps deal with the grief of the loss of the relationship in the family.
When seeking forgiveness in a family, think about why forgiveness is needed. What would that forgiveness mean to you? To the rest of the family? What would it sound like, look like, feel like? Can you imagine the ideal scenario of forgiveness in the family?
How to Forgive Yourself
What if you need to forgive yourself? How would you go about it? How would you most like to be treated by someone else if you needed their forgiveness - and can you treat yourself with that same grace and kindness? Can you think of a song or movie that helped you understand forgiveness? What message did it give you? Sometimes, we can offer forgiveness, and still hold the person accountable, still feel they’re not worthy of trust, or still have hurt feelings. And that’s okay.
The forgiveness never erases the deed, it allows us space to move forward.
Interested in learning more about Kitty's approach to helping clients navigate forgiveness?
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